A story of LGBTQQ2SAI 

"A" is for Asexual

By Anonymous

The "A" stands for asexual or as it's casually called -- ACE.

Asexuality is having no sexual attraction to any gender or little to no libido or interest in or desire to engage in sexual and/or romantic activity, such as sex, hand holding, etc. 

It is a sexual orientation akin to heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and pansexuality. It's not the same as abstinence or celibacy, which are behavioural and can be motivated by things like religion. 

Unlike sexual behaviour, identity or gender expression -- which may be fluid -- asexual orientation is thought to be enduring.

And somewhere between sexual and asexual is me!

I am on the asexual spectrum. In fact, I am demisexual or "greysexual." That means that I only feel sexual desire for a romantic partner (oh, and in the tradition of presumed monogamy, I am naturally monogamous as opposed to polyamorous).

Demisexuality is defined as only experiencing sexual desire on occasion. Being "halfway between" sexual and asexual, the term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality; nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for complete sexuality.[1]

Asexual/demisexual individuals "experience sexual attraction very rarely, only under specific circumstances, or of an intensity so low that it's ignorable."[2] Another description of demisexual describes it as "ensuing from romantic attraction."[3] It has been theorized as an inclination deriving from a need for trustworthiness in one's partner.[4]

Personally, I have no sex drive. But, if I am going to be sexual it would only be with someone I am in a relationship with (or by myself as a value neutral form of release). This is called "secondary sexual attraction" -- an attraction that only forms after a close emotional connection has already formed.

Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person.
Further, there is a difference between being sexual and being romantic. You may have romantic feelings for someone but not sexual desire for them. You can be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, polyromantic, aromantic or demiromantic.

I am (not in the tradition of presumed heterorosexuality) panromantic and demisexual. I want to be with someone but not have sex. I don't dislike sex, I'm simply not interested in it.

I do have sex in relationships for the benefit of my partner. Not everyone on the asexual spectrum does. And, I can't always satisfy myself by myself, but if there is any sexual "satisfaction" to be had, it almost always has to be a solo mission.

I resent the term "horny" because not only have I never felt that way but because people automatically assume I have or want to. I don't. To me "horny" has too many lascivious connotations. I sometimes feel the urge to masturbate (not as a sign of latent sexuality or horniness but disassociated from sexual attraction or being sexual) and I never have the urge to have sex with someone else.

In literature, there is what they call "compulsory demisexuality" wherein, predominantly female characters are only sexually interested in their one true love.[5] The intimacy of this connection also allows for an exclusivity to take place.[6] And this I like.

I don't feel like being demisexual is in any way limiting or prohibitive in my dating life. Although, I don't always disclose my orientation. In a heteronormative relationship, sex is such an important component that to be absent of sexual desire is too problematic for partners to understand, even if they accept it. They want to feel wanted, they want to please and be pleased. And I don't want to deny them these things.

Sex does not please me in a physically satiating way. But I am emotionally pleased to please my partner and to be intimate with them because I know that for them this solidifies our bond.

[1] Melby, Todd (November 2005). "Asexuality gets more attention, but is it a sexual orientation?" Contemporary Sexuality. 39 (11): 1, 4–5.
[2] Shoemaker, Dale (February 13, 2015). “No Sex, No Love: Exploring Asexuality, Aromanticism at Pitt.” The Pitt News.
[3] Carrigan, Mark. "The history of asexuality." The Palgrave Handbook of the Psychology of Sexuality and Gender (2015): 7
[4] Witherspoon, Ryan G. "Multicultural and Diversity." Independent Practitioner: 70
[5] McAlister, Jodi. "First Love, Last Love, True Love: Heroines, Heroes, and the Gendered Representation of Love in the Category Romance Novel." Gender & Love, 3rd Global Conference. Mansfield College, Oxford, UK. Vol. 15. 2013
[6] McAlister, Jodi (1 September 2014). "'That complete fusion of spirit as well as body': Heroines, heroes, desire and compulsory demisexuality in the Harlequin Mills & Boon romance novel". Australasian Journal of Popular Culture. 3 (3): 299–310.

The author of this blog requested to remain anonymous - Ed

What are your "sexpectations"?